That's What She Said

Since the beginning of time, slang words and phrases have come and gone. Many have had serious staying power such as "cool" and "duh". Even though I know that I sound shockingly stupid when I say "duh", I still hear it leaving my mouth from time to time. And, it's usually accompanied by the word "like", which makes me sound extra special. An example follows: "So, I was trying to, like, explain why I'm, like, so pissed off but he still, like, doesn't get it. I mean, duh, how hard is it?"

Slang produces these problems of language, even for otherwise intelligent people. I think of myself as a pretty smart kid, but I will certainly walk into a party and utter "what up" like a Neanderthal. It seems that, at least for me, slang is inescapable. It burrows into my daily usage like a termite and frustrates any attempt on my part to use sophiscated vocabulary. No matter how many big words you use, you still sound stupid when you pepper your sentences with "like".

But, nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, sounds more stupid than "That's what she said". This is, by far, the stupidest slang phrase of all time. "That's what she said"? Really? What kind of a comeback is that? And, in general, the people who use this phrase are so addicted to it that they no longer use it correctly. It just pops out of their mouths as automatically as "like" or "duh" pops out of mine.

For example, while playing a drinking game one night, I asked a guy to pass the dice. He responded with, "That's what she said". That makes no sense! Clearly, if I had asked something like "Who's turn is it?, then a "That's what she said" would have been warranted. Still stupid, but at least bordering on funny. For the rest of the evening, no matter what anyone said, this moron responded with "That's what she said". And, to make matters worse, he thought he was hilarious. Now, this offender was particularly obnoxious but a lot of decent men use "That's what she said" on a frequent basis.

I almost feel sorry for these "That's what she said" addicts. This kind of thing can become very problematic. When I was in high school, the phrase "You're a __________" was very popular. I believe it derived from Tommy Boy when David Spade tells Chris Farley that his head has a thin candy shell, or something of the sort. Anyway, it became the "thing" to say. Anything that anyone said was immediately greeted with a "You're a ________" response. If you're confused, here's an example: "Ew, you have a booger!" could be responded to with "You're a booger". See, it works very well. Not only have you deflected attention away from your booger but you've also managed to escape the situation seemingly unruffled by your lack of hygiene when really, you're mortified. And, the best part of all is that the whole thing was probably automatic. "You're a __________" was such the cool thing to say that you didn't even have to think about it to do it. But, as I said, this can become problematic. I was skipping class once and I wandered into our school's foyer where there was an enormous Christmas tree. A very, very overweight girl was also meandering through the foyer. She commented, "That's a giant Christmas tree" to which I automatically replied, because it was the thing to do, "You're a giant Christmas tree!". Did it make sense? No, of course not. Only one in ten of these retorts actually do. But it sure did make us both hyper-aware of the fact that she was indeed shaped like a Christmas tree and that she was indeed a giant fat person.

These things seem to be very cultural. I just tried to explain "That's what she said" to my African-American co-worker. She is my age, but she has never been subjected to a "That's what she said". Although, I have experienced "That's what she said" in the Northeast and the South so it must be fairly widespread. Perhaps it's a white thing. If it is, it's one of our worst inventions. I myself had never heard of a different yet similar phrase that my friend who is currently living in D.C. told me about when he visited not too long ago. Among his group of D.C. friends, the thing is "Your face is _________". He eventually had to tell me about it because he was struggling so hard not to use it around people who wouldn't know what he was saying. You're getting the hang of how these things work now, but just in case, we'll use another example to illustrate the D.C. trend: "Wow! That shirt is really ugly" elicits the response of "Your face is really ugly". Useful, eh? Well, apparently, the best one this guy had ever heard came after a near miss. As I said, most of these don't make sense, but occasionally, you'll get a jewel. A female friend remarked, "Oh! I love that house! It has a driveway!" and my male friend replied, "Your face is a driveway". Hmmm...not so funny. But then he paused, and added, "for cock". Now that's funny. "Your face is a driveway for cock" is hilarious! So, in criticizing "That's what she said", I'm not trying to kill these funny habits that temporarily invade our speech patterns. I just haven't ever heard a "That's what she said " as funny as "You're a giant Christmas tree" or "Your face is a driveway for cock". "That's what she said" is also too cumbersome to be ignored the way we tend to ignore the preponderance of "duh" and "like" in every day speech. "That's what she said" is simply terrible. Hopefully, it won't have much staying power.