Brangelina Needs to Be Spayed (and Neutered)

In the latest celebrity news, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, also known as Brangelina, are having twins. They are already parents to four kids - Maddox, Zahara, Pax, and their only current biological spawn, Shiloh. After the twins are born, they'll have six children under the age of six years old. That's one child per year!

There is no way those kids will all be normal. Here's my prediction for the future of the Jolie-Pitt clan.

Maddox
Maddox, born in Cambodia, is the oldest of the group. He's ambitious, driven and destined to be a leader. His competitive drive appears at a young age on the soccer field, playing with Posh and Beck's middle child, Romeo. Maddox becomes a soccer phenom, and is known for his trademark mohawk. At 15, Maddox reconnects with the man who was supposed to be his father, Billy Bob Thornton (his original name was Maddox Thornton Jolie). During this time he also announces that he will be playing professionally for Cambodia, not the US. This causes a major rift with his parents, who divorce in 2011. Maddox plays soccer internationally for many years, and announces that he's gay in 2020. His partner is reported to be Romeo Beckham, also an international soccer star. The couple settle in Brazil and adopt two daughters.

Zahara , also known as Marley
Zahara, which is Hebrew for "shining" or "flowering", was born in Ethiopia. As the second child, she idolized her older brother, Maddox, but could never overcome an extreme jealousy for her younger sister, Shiloh. Zahara rebelled against her parents at a young age and started using drugs at the age of 13. Her affinity for marijuana and dreadlocks led her to legally change her name to Marley, her middle name, when she turned 18. Angelina made several attempts to get her into rehab, but she refused and fled to Cambodia, where she lived with her brother Maddox for several years. After that she returned to California to pursue a singing career. At 25, Zahara gave birth to a baby girl (the father is American Idol reject Jason Castro) named Mary Jane. She has not seen her family since she was 18.

Shiloh
Born in Namibia, Shiloh began her life in the limelight, and she never left. Her baby photo is still the most expensive celebrity image of all time. Shiloh, who followed in her parents footsteps, began her career as Samantha Jones' daughter in the series Sex and the City: Retirement Living. She played the role of Carrie Jones for six years before a brief marriage to rocker Kingston Rossdale and a short stint in rehab for alcohol sidetracked her. Eventually, she landed the coveted role of Hannah Montana in the remake of Best of Both Worlds. Shiloh has since given up on acting, but started her own Scientology charity with best friend Suri Cruise.

Pax
Pax, who was born in Vietnam, is known as "PaxJack" due to his talent in playing Blackjack. As a child, Pax was often shy and introverted. He spent hours on movie sets playing Blackjack with Pitt's pal George Clooney, who taught him the game. At 21, he played in the Celebrity Blackjack World Tournament in Las Vegas and lost to Kevin Federline, who was then later proved to be cheating. He joined the poker circuit after that and to date, has made over $3,000,000 in blackjack winnings. Pax lives in Las Vegas and is often spotted playing cards with dad Brad Pitt at the Bellagio. He married to a Vietnamese woman whom he met on a trip to Vietnam in 2025 and they have two children, Ace and Queen.

The twins are still cooking in the oven, but I'd like to offer some name suggestions to Brad and Angie.

Girl Names
1. Laura Croft, in honor of Jolie's film portrayal of the video-game vixen
2. Jennifer, because we all know that Angelina is secretly jealous of Jennifer Aniston
3. Orange, just to one-up Pitt's ex, Gwyneth, and her daughter Apple. "It's like comparing oranges and apples" would be the new US Weekly feature
4. Katrina, since they have spent a lot of their time in hurricane-ravaged New Orleans

Boy Names
1. William Bradley Pitt, Jr. Because the world needs more Brad Pitts
2. Obama, since I'm sure that's who they are going to vote for
3. Smith, because Pitt and Jolie originally hooked-up on the set of the movie, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
4. James, after Angelina's brother, whom she gave an oddly passionate kiss to on the red carpet

While I hope they choose one of these names, I'm sure they will pick something random that no one can pronounce that means something in another language. I can't predict the future of these two Brangelina love children, but 25 years from now, be sure to watch E!'s True Hollywood Story: The Pitt-Jolie Children. I've got the TiVo set already!