Sex and the City: Exactly What I Expected

I was lucky enough to see a sneak preview of Sex and the City last night. I was totally amused by it. It made me laugh, it made me cry (just for a second) and it made me really miss being in college. I spent hours upon hours watching that show with Stephanie while recovering from hangovers or drinking wine and feeling bad for our single selves. And for a minute, it was like no time had passed since then. The writing was excellent, the characters are all the same, and overall I give it an A. It was exactly what I expected. While I don't totally relate to everything they deal with, there are bits and pieces that seem oddly familiar to my life.

Here are my thoughts on the best and worst parts about the movie. Spoiler alert: if you haven't seen it yet, don't read this!

The Good

1. Big and Carrie get married. We all knew it was coming. We all wanted them to be together. Even though it turned out to be at the very end and took place in a courtroom, this leaves room for a sequel that could go in many different directions. The girl in me was happy that they finally tied the knot, and even though it was somewhat predictable, it gives me some closure on the series.

2. The fashion! I was drooling on myself the entire time. Just the Vogue wedding dress scene alone made me want to drop thousands of dollars on an expensive gown and get married ASAP. Patricia Fields did not disappoint.

3. I cried. Even though it was just for a second, I was so overcome with emotion during the scene where Carrie hits Big with her wedding bouquet and screams "I knew you were going to do this to me!" I still get chills thinking about that scene. You can truly feel her pain and heartache, and even more when Charlotte throws her arms around Carrie and protects her from Big in the middle of the street. I really hurt for her. Then I reminded myself it's all made up and Sarah Jessica Parker is happily married to Matthew Broderick.

4. Charlotte gets pregnant. I don't think they paid enough attention to this. She announces she's pregnant and then all of a sudden she's a whale and her water is breaking on the street while she's yelling at Big.

5. The writing. These writers are so clever. TV and screenplay writers these days come a dime a dozen, but there aren't very many good ones. This story was well written and predictable without being too annoying.

The Bad

1. Big and Carrie get married. So he jilts you at the alter in your Vivienne Westwood gown and you go back to him later? So much for female empowerment. Maybe it's just because I'm hard-nosed and stubborn, but I found it so lame that it took little to no cowering from Big to get Carrie back. Yeah, so he emailed you a bunch of famous love letters. Big deal, no pun intended. I secretly wanted her to walk away from him and still be single and fabulous. After all, isn't that was the show was all about?

2. Samantha is different. She's with Smith in LA, and she's somewhat annoying, clingy and complains about her relationship. This is a total 180 from the Samantha Jones I loved during the series. While she still has her moments, particularly with Dante, her naked next door neighbor, I hated to see her man-eating ways missing from the film. Her one-liners are still classic. "I feel the same way about marriage that you do about Botox: painful and unnecessary."

3. Steve cheats on Miranda. I found this storyline hard to believe. Even though Steve and Miranda hadn't had sex in 6 months, the Steve I remember would have never cheated on Miranda. Miranda felt a little cliche this time around, and she is my favorite character - working mother who is too busy to have sex with her husband. Yawn.

4. Jennifer Hudson/Louise from St. Louis. While she is cute and likable, her character felt forced. Why does Carrie need an assistant? How could she possibly pay anyone, considering her income? And of course Louise ends up moving back to St. Louis for her man, Will. WTF? Late 90's SATC would have never written that in.

5. Aidan was missing. I expected to see him at some point. He played such a huge role in the series, and I thought maybe at least Carrie would run into him along the lines. I did notice, however, that Aidan's chair is still in her apartment, even after she completely redecorates.

There is so much more I could say about this film. It may not be a classic to some, but it's forever a cult classic to the millions that watched the show. I will definitely see it again in the theater, and buy the DVD and watch it many times at home. But what I really want to know is: when is the sequel?

Facebook Torture

In the early years, aka high school, we had America Online, the most glorious invention to hit an adolescent's life. Not only were we able to chat with the boy we liked without having an awkward phone conversation, but we also could say what we wanted without our parents, um, hearing what we said.

Then in college came AOL Instant Messenger. The same pleasure of America Online, but much simpler and with no cost. Again, we could chat with whomever we wanted behind the safety of our computer.

(Side note: My screen name was first KarateSteph27, then morphed into Fee00 by the late 90's)

Today, there is MySpace and Facebook, the most supreme computer communicative / stalking tools to this date. It is the America Online, AOL IM of today. High school and college kids have it made.

But I am 27. Certainly not in high school or college (kinda wish I was sometimes, though). Just like I was addicted to AOL chat rooms and IM message boards back in high school and college, I am a junkie. I love looking at people, who lives where, does what, single, married, gay, kids, etc.

As entertaining as it is, it is starting to torture me. I am beginning to compare myself to everyone around me. I know too much about too many people, and it's stressing me out. During my walk home from work today, I began to wonder: would I be so hard on myself if I only worried about myself versus stressing over why... (okay, this is going to be mean)... why the fat, silent loser in high school is happily married and I am not? Or why so-and-so has that job and makes that kind of money? Plus MySpace and Facebook have successfully ruined the surprise of the 10 Year Reunion.

With this said, I have considered deleting all profiles and memberships that I have.

But then I do not because then what would I do when I needed to find out if my 2004 Crush is still engaged to that stupid girl, or if I needed to find out more on that guy I met at the bar?? :)

A House Divided

Go into any college bookstore and you'll likely find some representation of that school's rivalry in the form a "House Divided" license plate.

UNC. Duke. A house divided.

Indiana. Purdue. A house divided.

Michigan State. Auburn. A house divided. Wait, what?

I have always found the house divided license plates, rugs, and every other item you can buy incredibly cheesy. So what if your son goes to Ohio State and your daughter goes to Michigan. Pick a damn side and stop complaining about it!

However, when I saw the house divided license plate pitting Michigan State and Auburn against each other, I could not stop laughing. They aren't in the same conference or the same region of the country. Hell, I don't even know if they play each other in anything except the occasional bowl game or random match-up during the NCAA tourney. Clearly, these people took the house divided concept way too far.

Sometimes, I guess you just can't pick a side. Here are some other great house divided match-ups where it just might be too hard to decide.

Shampoo. Conditioner. A house divided.
Adam Sandler said it best in Billy Madison. "Shampoo is better! I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better! I make the hair silky and smooth!" Really, how can you decide?

Metallica. Megadeth. A house divided.
I could barely even talk, but for a short time these two bands divided the country's angry, white male rock fans when the guitar player for Metallica's first demo was kicked to the curb for, of all things, drugs and alcohol. Metallica later, without him, made three angry metal albums, and one so-called "sell-out" album. The booted guitar player, Dave Mustaine, basically copied Metallica and formed Megadeth, who was always the Robin to Metallica's Batman, despite staying truer to its metal roots. Mustaine also claims he wrote the riffs on several of Metallica's smash hits. It's so tragic when heavy metal bands just can't get along.

Tonya Harding. Nancy Kerrigan. A house divided.
Their rivalry was taken to another level when Harding's skeezebag ex-husband hired someone to hit Kerrigan in the knee before the 1994 US Figure Skating Championships. Harding, the rough-around-the-edges tomboy with an unstable childhood, and Kerrigan, the WASPy and beautiful miss perfect, created a media frenzy, and added some much-needed excitement to the boring sport of figure skating. They put some WWF into a sport known for snot-nosed brat competitors in tight, sparkling leotards.

Zack Morris. AC Slater. A house divided.
Unless you were living under a rock in the 80's, you watched Saved By the Bell. Are you a Zack girl, or a Slater girl? OMG, do I even have to pick? I for one was always a Slater girl. I still have a penchant for meat head jocks, but it was his jerry-curl like hair and white-washed jeans that really put me over the top. But, I did have some Zack moments too. This is just too hard of a choice.

Gene Keady's Hair. Donald Trump's Hair. A house divided.
Both men are known for having two of the worst (or best, depending on your taste) combovers in the history of bad hair. The combover is largely known as a way to hide baldness. Really, I don't know that Keady and Trump are actually hiding anything. Keady wears the greasy combover, while Trump prefers the cotton candy combover.

Coca-Cola. Pepsi. A house divided.
When it comes to soft drinks, I prefer regular Coke to regular Pepsi, but I'd much rather have a Diet Pepsi over a Diet Coke. I am a marketing person's nightmare.

So the next time you go to your college's bookstore, please resist the urge to promote your own internal turmoil. Really, no one gives a shit.

Brangelina Needs to Be Spayed (and Neutered)

In the latest celebrity news, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, also known as Brangelina, are having twins. They are already parents to four kids - Maddox, Zahara, Pax, and their only current biological spawn, Shiloh. After the twins are born, they'll have six children under the age of six years old. That's one child per year!

There is no way those kids will all be normal. Here's my prediction for the future of the Jolie-Pitt clan.

Maddox
Maddox, born in Cambodia, is the oldest of the group. He's ambitious, driven and destined to be a leader. His competitive drive appears at a young age on the soccer field, playing with Posh and Beck's middle child, Romeo. Maddox becomes a soccer phenom, and is known for his trademark mohawk. At 15, Maddox reconnects with the man who was supposed to be his father, Billy Bob Thornton (his original name was Maddox Thornton Jolie). During this time he also announces that he will be playing professionally for Cambodia, not the US. This causes a major rift with his parents, who divorce in 2011. Maddox plays soccer internationally for many years, and announces that he's gay in 2020. His partner is reported to be Romeo Beckham, also an international soccer star. The couple settle in Brazil and adopt two daughters.

Zahara , also known as Marley
Zahara, which is Hebrew for "shining" or "flowering", was born in Ethiopia. As the second child, she idolized her older brother, Maddox, but could never overcome an extreme jealousy for her younger sister, Shiloh. Zahara rebelled against her parents at a young age and started using drugs at the age of 13. Her affinity for marijuana and dreadlocks led her to legally change her name to Marley, her middle name, when she turned 18. Angelina made several attempts to get her into rehab, but she refused and fled to Cambodia, where she lived with her brother Maddox for several years. After that she returned to California to pursue a singing career. At 25, Zahara gave birth to a baby girl (the father is American Idol reject Jason Castro) named Mary Jane. She has not seen her family since she was 18.

Shiloh
Born in Namibia, Shiloh began her life in the limelight, and she never left. Her baby photo is still the most expensive celebrity image of all time. Shiloh, who followed in her parents footsteps, began her career as Samantha Jones' daughter in the series Sex and the City: Retirement Living. She played the role of Carrie Jones for six years before a brief marriage to rocker Kingston Rossdale and a short stint in rehab for alcohol sidetracked her. Eventually, she landed the coveted role of Hannah Montana in the remake of Best of Both Worlds. Shiloh has since given up on acting, but started her own Scientology charity with best friend Suri Cruise.

Pax
Pax, who was born in Vietnam, is known as "PaxJack" due to his talent in playing Blackjack. As a child, Pax was often shy and introverted. He spent hours on movie sets playing Blackjack with Pitt's pal George Clooney, who taught him the game. At 21, he played in the Celebrity Blackjack World Tournament in Las Vegas and lost to Kevin Federline, who was then later proved to be cheating. He joined the poker circuit after that and to date, has made over $3,000,000 in blackjack winnings. Pax lives in Las Vegas and is often spotted playing cards with dad Brad Pitt at the Bellagio. He married to a Vietnamese woman whom he met on a trip to Vietnam in 2025 and they have two children, Ace and Queen.

The twins are still cooking in the oven, but I'd like to offer some name suggestions to Brad and Angie.

Girl Names
1. Laura Croft, in honor of Jolie's film portrayal of the video-game vixen
2. Jennifer, because we all know that Angelina is secretly jealous of Jennifer Aniston
3. Orange, just to one-up Pitt's ex, Gwyneth, and her daughter Apple. "It's like comparing oranges and apples" would be the new US Weekly feature
4. Katrina, since they have spent a lot of their time in hurricane-ravaged New Orleans

Boy Names
1. William Bradley Pitt, Jr. Because the world needs more Brad Pitts
2. Obama, since I'm sure that's who they are going to vote for
3. Smith, because Pitt and Jolie originally hooked-up on the set of the movie, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
4. James, after Angelina's brother, whom she gave an oddly passionate kiss to on the red carpet

While I hope they choose one of these names, I'm sure they will pick something random that no one can pronounce that means something in another language. I can't predict the future of these two Brangelina love children, but 25 years from now, be sure to watch E!'s True Hollywood Story: The Pitt-Jolie Children. I've got the TiVo set already!

The First 48's Last Days in Memphis

I'm not a huge TV person. This could mean several things.
1. I don't like big TVs. This is false.
2. I'm not a huge TV-shaped person. Luckily, this is true, but not what I meant.
3. I don't like to watch a lot of TV. Bingo!

Most of the shows I watch are documentary, news, or reality-based shows. I love Intervention on A&E, and I watch Lock-Up on MSNBC almost daily. However, the one show that I really enjoy is The First 48, also on A&E. They film in a variety of cities - Dallas, Miami, Detroit - and every so often an episode is filmed right here in Memphis.

These episodes are my favorites to watch. They always show footage of 201 Poplar and of the downtown skyline, but the footage from the crime scene, almost always North or South Memphis, is barely recognizable. It's like they are in another city. I don't visit Orange Mound and Frayser for a reason. Sergeants Caroline Mason and Tony Mullins are stars of the show, and they are just two of the reasons I watch.

Mullins, a Memphis native who rocks out to heavy metal on the job, has been with the Memphis Police Department for 17 years. If I was a bad guy, I would be scared of him and his bald head. Even his wife is a former police officer.

Mason, on the other hand, gives these thugs a taste of their own medicine. She grew up in Orange Mound and is a nineteen-year veteran of the MPD. She always has her hair and nails done, but she's like a bulldog who makes criminals cry. One of the best episodes is when she told a suspect in the interrogation room to "take off your weave". She means business.

So needless to say, when it was announced this week that Memphis was no longer going to allow them to film in our fair city, I was crushed. Police Chief Larry Godwin blamed the City Council, who claimed that the show was making Memphis look like Murder Central.

Well, aren't we Murder Central? At least compared to other mid-market cities like ours? Moreover, City Council member Wanda Halbert commented that she heard out-of-towners say that "Memphis was out of control" and is blaming the show. She also said that "in terms of violence, Memphis isn't much different from other big cities." Is she right, or are we just trying to cover-up our now-exposed flaws?

Let's check out the stats and see where Memphis falls.

Violent Crime by Metro Area - We're # 1! After coming in second last year, we're up to the top spot. Not something we want to brag about. This ranking includes all violent crimes like homicide (what The First 48 follows), rape, aggravated assault and robbery.

Most Dangerous US Cities - Memphis comes in at #8, behind the other River City, St. Louis, and another Southern hot spot, Birmingham.

Counties With the Highest Jail Incarceration Rates - Shelby County ranks third, behind Philadelphia and Nashville (take that, Music City!). Evidently, our jail is so crowded because we're holding too many poor criminals on bails they can't pay, not to mention our arrest rate is increasingly high. Too much crime = too many people in jail.

Police Officer Ratio - The rest of the US averages 3 police officers per 1,000 residents. We're at 2.75 per 1,000. Overall, not bad, but when you start doing the math for a city with a population of 1,000,000, we have 250 less police officers than we should.

Registered Sex Offenders - This has nothing to do with The First 48, but there are 525 in Shelby County, none of which live on Mud Island. However, there is one currently living in Southwind. Ew!

So you get the point. The First 48 isn't exploiting anything, it's only documenting the crime that happens here, and the hard-working crime-fighters that are on the show. Memphis is the golden egg of crime for this series. They would be crazy to not want to film here. It would be like if Kelly Kapowski picked Screech instead of Zack Morris - it just doesn't make sense! Ms. Halbert's concerns about "out-of-towners" are something we battled before the show aired. People were already afraid of Memphis because of all the statistics stated above, not because of A&E.

There are still four episodes left, including one that documents the Lester Street Murders. I will be savoring every last minute of the Memphis episodes, but in the mean time, I've "signed" the petition to bring back The First 48 in Memphis. There are 723 people that have signed so far.

Here's a thought - maybe our City Council should focus on eliminating the reasons that we were on this show to begin with. I doubt that The First 48 in Thousand Oaks, California or Orem, Utah would be quite as exciting.

There will always be plenty of crime here in Memphis, and we can either accept it or try to cover it up like a prom night zit. Either way, I'm sad to see The First 48 leave our city. I guess I'll have to find another show to take its place.

How do you spell Cheater? K-e-l-v-i-n S-a-m-p-s-o-n

Today, Kelvin Sampson addressed the NCAA with a written response regarding the sanctions that were brought on Indiana University during his short-lived stay as head coach. Indiana's response suggested that it's "reasonable to conclude" that Sampson repeatedly misled NCAA investigators. In other words, you're a liar!

Click here to read Sampson's letter to the NCAA.

Here is the response I'd like to send to Mr. Sampson:

Dear Kelvin,

Are you f!#king kidding me? Your job was to make sure everyone, yourself included, was behaving by the rules. The compliance office is only there to say "gotcha" when you've screwed up. Way to throw everyone under the bus and take zero responsibility for what happened. Not to mention, you turned our team into a bunch of thugs who didn't go to class, meaning we are now 10th out of 11 in Big Ten men's basketball for conference academics.

You're making Coach Knight look like The Pope! I'll take physical harassment and throwing potted plants at secretaries all day long! Even Mike Davis looks like a candidate for Coach of the Year. It kind of makes me miss his over-arched eyebrows and his famous "who farted?" look.

What I don't miss, however, is you and your arrogance. I also don't miss your blue shirt with the red tie. I'm glad I didn't buy a "Sampsonite" t-shirt. I heard TIS won't even send the leftovers to third world countries.

Your big coup was Eric Gordon. So maybe he was extremely talented and if it wasn't for his wrist and your departure, could have been a big college star. Well, I'd like to get Bruce Weber on the phone and see what he thinks. I'm sure you cheated for Eric Gordon too.

Coach Sampson, can you hear me now? You're where you belong now - in the NBA. I love professional basketball, but it is what it is. Cheaters like you belong there, and I'm sure you'll be busted for another infraction at some point. Once at Oklahoma, once at Indiana ... you should probably have a cheating intervention. Hey Coach - Eric Gordon just called. He wants his college career back.

"My life since that day has been a nightmare." Cue Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River". Have you stopped to think about how this has impacted the young men that played for you? No? I'm sure you were too busy placing illegal phone calls and following around Greg Popovich. Have fun in Milwaukee! There are plenty of disgruntled Hoosier fans up there.

Oh, and I went to your website. It pointed me to Myles Brand's website? You may want to look into that, or consult with Pete Carroll on how to be a complete tool bag.

So yes, Indiana should share in the blame of this fiasco. But you should too. While I hate what you did to Hoosier basketball during your short time there, it has led us to Tom Crean, who is already better than you because he's not dirty. He didn't bring FedEx planes full of baggage to our program like you did. His wife is hotter than yours. Taking over after Mike Davis should have been too easy. Taking over after you is a piece of cake.

You represent everything that is wrong with college basketball, and while you aren't the only one, your legacy at Indiana will follow you everywhere you go, even in the NBA. You know basketball, but you have no morals, so the NBA is happy to have you. I'm looking forward to seeing you when the Bucks play at Memphis next season!

Sincerely,

Bridget

That's What She Said

Since the beginning of time, slang words and phrases have come and gone. Many have had serious staying power such as "cool" and "duh". Even though I know that I sound shockingly stupid when I say "duh", I still hear it leaving my mouth from time to time. And, it's usually accompanied by the word "like", which makes me sound extra special. An example follows: "So, I was trying to, like, explain why I'm, like, so pissed off but he still, like, doesn't get it. I mean, duh, how hard is it?"

Slang produces these problems of language, even for otherwise intelligent people. I think of myself as a pretty smart kid, but I will certainly walk into a party and utter "what up" like a Neanderthal. It seems that, at least for me, slang is inescapable. It burrows into my daily usage like a termite and frustrates any attempt on my part to use sophiscated vocabulary. No matter how many big words you use, you still sound stupid when you pepper your sentences with "like".

But, nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, sounds more stupid than "That's what she said". This is, by far, the stupidest slang phrase of all time. "That's what she said"? Really? What kind of a comeback is that? And, in general, the people who use this phrase are so addicted to it that they no longer use it correctly. It just pops out of their mouths as automatically as "like" or "duh" pops out of mine.

For example, while playing a drinking game one night, I asked a guy to pass the dice. He responded with, "That's what she said". That makes no sense! Clearly, if I had asked something like "Who's turn is it?, then a "That's what she said" would have been warranted. Still stupid, but at least bordering on funny. For the rest of the evening, no matter what anyone said, this moron responded with "That's what she said". And, to make matters worse, he thought he was hilarious. Now, this offender was particularly obnoxious but a lot of decent men use "That's what she said" on a frequent basis.

I almost feel sorry for these "That's what she said" addicts. This kind of thing can become very problematic. When I was in high school, the phrase "You're a __________" was very popular. I believe it derived from Tommy Boy when David Spade tells Chris Farley that his head has a thin candy shell, or something of the sort. Anyway, it became the "thing" to say. Anything that anyone said was immediately greeted with a "You're a ________" response. If you're confused, here's an example: "Ew, you have a booger!" could be responded to with "You're a booger". See, it works very well. Not only have you deflected attention away from your booger but you've also managed to escape the situation seemingly unruffled by your lack of hygiene when really, you're mortified. And, the best part of all is that the whole thing was probably automatic. "You're a __________" was such the cool thing to say that you didn't even have to think about it to do it. But, as I said, this can become problematic. I was skipping class once and I wandered into our school's foyer where there was an enormous Christmas tree. A very, very overweight girl was also meandering through the foyer. She commented, "That's a giant Christmas tree" to which I automatically replied, because it was the thing to do, "You're a giant Christmas tree!". Did it make sense? No, of course not. Only one in ten of these retorts actually do. But it sure did make us both hyper-aware of the fact that she was indeed shaped like a Christmas tree and that she was indeed a giant fat person.

These things seem to be very cultural. I just tried to explain "That's what she said" to my African-American co-worker. She is my age, but she has never been subjected to a "That's what she said". Although, I have experienced "That's what she said" in the Northeast and the South so it must be fairly widespread. Perhaps it's a white thing. If it is, it's one of our worst inventions. I myself had never heard of a different yet similar phrase that my friend who is currently living in D.C. told me about when he visited not too long ago. Among his group of D.C. friends, the thing is "Your face is _________". He eventually had to tell me about it because he was struggling so hard not to use it around people who wouldn't know what he was saying. You're getting the hang of how these things work now, but just in case, we'll use another example to illustrate the D.C. trend: "Wow! That shirt is really ugly" elicits the response of "Your face is really ugly". Useful, eh? Well, apparently, the best one this guy had ever heard came after a near miss. As I said, most of these don't make sense, but occasionally, you'll get a jewel. A female friend remarked, "Oh! I love that house! It has a driveway!" and my male friend replied, "Your face is a driveway". Hmmm...not so funny. But then he paused, and added, "for cock". Now that's funny. "Your face is a driveway for cock" is hilarious! So, in criticizing "That's what she said", I'm not trying to kill these funny habits that temporarily invade our speech patterns. I just haven't ever heard a "That's what she said " as funny as "You're a giant Christmas tree" or "Your face is a driveway for cock". "That's what she said" is also too cumbersome to be ignored the way we tend to ignore the preponderance of "duh" and "like" in every day speech. "That's what she said" is simply terrible. Hopefully, it won't have much staying power.

Dat Baby Looks Like a White Tyra Banks

As I was driving home yesterday, I was flipping through radio stations trying to find something I liked. Yes, I am the loser that still has regular old radio, no satellite and no built-in iPod player. I have a CD player, but the CD that I had sucked. So I was trying to find something to settle on. 107.5 was playing "Stronger" by Kanye West. I don't care for Kanye, but I do like this particular song. However, as I'm listening to the words, he says "You can be my black Kate Moss tonight." Clever, and I know what he meant, but the more I thought about it, the more agitated I became. Kanye can say "black Kate Moss", but I can't say "white Tyra Banks" without getting someone's panties in a bunch.

I then turned the station to 107.1 (yes, I listen) and Lil' John's new song "Dat Baby" comes on. Now this song is the epitome is what is wrong with American family life. Lil' John raps about how "dat baby" don't look like him while clips from Maury Povich play in the background. I like the beat, and it makes me laugh in a "this is pathetic" kind of way, but it's just sad. He runs through a list of other rappers that could be this baby's daddy, and reasons why. He claims "Naw mayne I can't claim him I'm light skinned that baby black like Akon." Lil' John can say that a black person is really black, but I can't.

My friend teaches at a charter city school in Memphis. The stories she shares are appalling. The other day she was telling me how her kids refer to each other as different kinds of n*ggers. (Please note: I do not use this word. I am only repeating what the students were saying.) Some are yard n*ggers, which means their skin is really dark, and some are house n*ggers, which means they are light skinned. This all dates back to the slave era, but I don't understand why they are still using it. I can only imagine what would happen if I called Kanye and Lil' John yard n*ggers.

Memphis is a notoriously race-driven city. It's one of the few places where whites and blacks still can't manage to live together, and the racial divide is breaking the city. Growing up my mom always told me that Memphis was a different place. I didn't realize that until I moved to Indiana for college - she was right. As much as I love this city, I can't wait to move.

But it's obvious that racism is everywhere - including the radio - and that it goes both ways. But what do I know, I don't know what it's like to be black. Maybe I should ask the "white Tyra Banks".

Stimulate This

This month, I'll be receiving a $600 check from the government that is supposed to allow me to stimulate the economy. While $600 is always a nice thought, will it really do what it is intended to, or is this Dubya's way of saying "thanks for my 8 years, can I buy your loyalty"?

The American public seems to view this with a sarcastic eye. The WSJ online asked for reader feedback on the program, and most responses incorporated this tone.

"$600 is not going to boost my financial situation in any way. It's a good thing as far as free money is concerned, but it seems more like a mirage than an oasis."

"Technically, it's a wealth redistribution scheme. Why can't they just cut taxes and give people incentives instead of just free money?"

"I'm going to invest mine in a foreign currency since ours is becoming almost worthless."

"My credit card will be clean with my rebate. Boo ya!"

Maybe this will be the economic turnaround we are all hoping for, or maybe the government will look back on this and wonder what the f*!& they were thinking.

In the mean time, I'm wondering what I should do with the spare $600. I could save it, or I could pay off bills, or go down to Tunica. What to do?

Here's what $600 can get you these days:

Louis Vuitton Damier French Purse - $595.00
While they claim this is a "purse", most women know better. This is, in fact, a wallet with a pretty pattern on it that will probably outlive you. So while it might initially seem like a silly way to spend your cash, you will have it forever. Consider this an investment in style.

Nintendo Wii plus Mariokart and accessories -$650.00

The Wii will entertain you for hours, even days. While the Wii has been out for awhile, Mariokart was recently introduced, and it's a huge improvement on an already awesome game. If you have friends who like to compete and like video games, this is a sure alternative to going to the bar. I do not, however, recommend playing while intoxicated. You will not be good.

One Round-Trip Ticket from Memphis to San Francisco - $600.00
Travel ain't cheap these days, particularly if you live in Memphis. We are being held hostage by Northwest and, unlike both Little Rock and Nashville, do not have Southwest flights. (Thanks, NWA!) So getting anywhere is nearly double what it used to be. The cost of fuel makes it worse. Considering the amount of money you'd need in addition to the cost of transportation, this is not a good spend. Pick somewhere you can get to in a 3-hour drive if you're eager for vacation.

Journey Diamond Pendant - $600 (actually ranges from $89.99 to $1,899.99)
Show your loved one just how much you love them with the most unoriginal, lame diamond necklace. Jared and Kay Jewelers have been promoting the hell out of this piece, and I'm sure many lazy, unhappy married men have purchased this for their wives. If you're gonna spend $600 on jewelry, at least buy something that your wife hasn't seen advertised on TV excessively, and just pretend like you know her better than this. Nothing says I love you like buying this necklace - "honey, I don't care enough about you to find something original, so this will have to do."

Four Shares of Apple Stock - $600.00
While Apple continues to annihilate it's competition, if it has any, the value of the company has followed the same pattern. They are always so far ahead of the curve, and they must house some of the most intelligent people in the world. Why buy an iPod or an iPhone when you could buy stock in a company that won't break 2 years from now? Four shares isn't much, but it's a start.

Two $300 Pre-paid gas Cards - $600.00
It costs me $50 to fill up my tank, and I fill up almost twice a week due to a half hour work commute. $600 in gas would get me 12 fill-ups, and pay for gas for 6 weeks. With gas prices at an all time high, and with my car using premium fuel, this is tempting. The downside is that after 6 weeks of "free gas", I won't have anything to show for it.

In the end, I'll probably use my $600 to check to pay my car insurance for the next 6 months. Boring, yes, but it helps free up my paycheck for other expenses. So State Farm, get excited, because my economic stimulus will be heading your way - Boo ya!

Meg Ryan Movies

So, I live in New York City. The backdrop for numerous love stories such as Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally, Maid in Manhattan, One Fine Day, Keeping the Faith, and the list goes on.

I'm single. Very single. My grandmother has a better shot at getting remarried at 92 than I do based on my prospects, or lack there of, I should say. Not that I feel bad for myself. I am perfectly happy looking at pictures of my cat that lives in Pittsburgh while receiving Match.com "e-winks" from unattractive men living in the Bronx.

So, being that I am single in New York City, I keep in thinking that something Meg Ryan'ish will happen to me. Today would have been a great time for that happen...

It is pouring down rain. I am late for a conference call because the trains are running late due to "signal errors." I am forced to get off at Times Square and then walk to my office at Penn Plaza (for those who do not know NYC, this is like a 15 minute walk). As I am running up the stairs out of the train station, my foot get caught in my pant leg, and I fall completely up the stairs onto my hands and knees. My Blackberry that was wedged between my shoulder and ear goes flying, my ugly retarded FedEx duffel bag falls off my shoulder and rolls down the stairs, and I yell "F---ing S--t!!"

In the Meg Ryan movie, Patrick Dempsey would come running over with my Blackberry and he would help me up, and we would get married.

In my life, an older women asks, "Are you okay?" Other people just stare, as I awkwardly pick up my Blackberry first, then go back down the stairs to get the duffel. I look around, no Patrick Dempsey. WTF.

That's all I have to say.

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

I love to travel, and I get really excited to plan trips. I've been to a lot of great places, and I don't plan to stop. I used to think I was one of those people who had been everywhere, but not anymore.

My sister and brother-in-law moved to Brussels last spring. Ever since then, my travel adventures seem totally lame. When I'm excited to go to Nashville or Destin for the weekend, they always one-up me and casually comment that they're going to Greece or Portgual or Prague. It must be nice.

They are currently celebrating their 1-year anniversary in Egypt, cruising down the Nile River. I didn't even know you could cruise down the Nile, but apparently, you can and it's a very popular choice for vacationers in Europe.

Stephanie and I have talked for years about how we love the pyramids (in Egypt, not Memphis) and want to visit. So we've planned that when we turn 40 (tragically, only 13 years from now) we are going on our trip to Egypt. I would imagine we will do all the touristy stuff and then find the local watering hole and spend the evenings drinking Egyptian beer (if there is such a thing), even when we are 40.

In addition to Egpyt, here is my top ten list of places I want to visit:

1. South Africa - Lions, and tigers, and bears, oh my! OK, so really just lions and tigers, and giraffes and monkeys. I love animals, so seeing wild ones in their natural habitat (not the Memphis Zoo) is definitely a goal of mine. Plus, South African resort hotels look pretty nice.

2. Australia - G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie! All Outback Steakhouse and Foster's beer aside, Australia has always seemed like such a chill country. I'd like to spend a few days in Sydney and then tour the outback with some hot Aussie and hang out with kangaroos.

3. Germany - Guten Tag! I've got German blood, and I want to connect with my heritage. Germans are notorious for being uptight, organized, efficient and experts in cars, infrastructure and beer. Sounds like my type of people. I might actually fit in with the locals (versus Italy or China - look at the freaky tall blond girl!), and their history fascinates me. Aside from the whole Nazi thing, I am proud to be German. If only I was related to Steffi.

4. Scandanavia - Norway, Sweden and Copenhagen, while frigid in the winter time, have some of the most beautiful sights in the summer. I also love the history of the Vikings, which I think started the first time I ever rode the Viking Adventure (basically, an indoor log-ride) in Norway at Epcot. The Viking lifestyle - big ships, trendy attire, weapons, and basically an "everything belongs to me" attitude has transitioned into a modern country full of tall, blond people (yes!).

5. The Mayan Ruins of Mexico - I have only been to Mexico once (a short stop on a cruise ship in Cozymel) and my interest in Cancun decreases as each year goes by, but I am sure the Mayan Ruins are a sight to see. You can combine a trip to the beach with a visit to the one of the oldest historical sites in the world. It's kind of like the Pyramids - there is something about being from what seems like another lifetime that's intriguing.

6. Auschwitz - Again, my love of the darker side of history is working here. A co-worker of mine went and she said it was life-changing. While extremely depressing, it also gives you a full-on, close-up idea of just how bad it was. I don't think any of us can imagine. I have also read books on Hitler, not because I like him, but because I am fascinated by how one man wreaked all this havoc on a specific population. Auschwitz may not be the Disneyworld of vacations, but I'd imagine it's worth the trip.

7. South America - More specifically, Brazil and Argentina. I don't know much about South American culture, so I don't have much to say, other than I know it has beaches and rainforests. And naturally, I'd go when it's football season. Not NFL, but the football that we call soccer.

8. Dubai - While it may be in the huge area that most Americans are afraid of, Dubai is more modernized than US cities and is where Europeans with money go when they vacation.

And really, who builds skyscrapers like this? They have great cuisine, hot nightclubs, camel racing, high fashion, and tax-free shopping!

9. Monaco - Monaco is full of wealthy (and probably stuffy) Europeans, and home to Monte Carlo, an upscale city full of money and casinos. You can go to the Horseshoe in Tunica, or you can go to the Monte Carlo Casino, where I like to think it's like being in a James Bond movie. It's on the water, not to mention there is no state income tax there. I'd go for the Monaco Grand Prix, the most demanding Formula One track.

10. Greece - When I think of Greece, I think of perfect blue water, white buildings and kabobs. Greece has a storied history, and for you mythology freaks, is the mothership. From the real Parthenon (not the one in Nashville) to the Acropolis, there is more than enough to quench my thirst for a rich history. From what I hear, it's best to go anytime except summer - too hot!

So there you have it. Not sure when I'll get to check these off the list, but hopefully before the 40th birthday. To contribute to the Bridget and Stephanie's 40th Birthday Trip to Egypt, simply mail us a check.

Excuse Me For Blogging

It seems like everyone has their own blog these days. People used to write books, or write for magazines, but blogging is just too easy.

Stephanie and I have often said that our lives should be a reality show. We couldn't get MTV to pick it up (they chose "The Hills" instead of our show, "The Island"). Hell, even Fox turned us down in favor of "The Simple Life" (we pitched "The Boring Life"). Our ratings would have been sensational.

In the mean time we both feel its necessary to share our thoughts, views and experiences to a wider audience, so we've started this blog.

What's up with the name? Without giving away too much information, it's the name of a song that we both love from our favorite band. The lyrics are below - see if you can interpret the meaning.

Check it check it check it out
got clout and you know that

Large in the margin
my drama unfolds behind closed doors
told on the down-low
i believe that I'm so but really, i don't know
maybe it's better, but I can't think so
maybe its better to fight, one never ever knows
believe the rumors that grow like tumors
more fun than the truth that we know

Trying
too hard to reach a higher plane

We'll fuck you up
when you least expect it
you think you're moving closer
when suddenly you wrecked it
but all the same, the pain gains wisdom
as if you ain't had enough then you're in some
prison of your own creation
mental dilation
look at what your facin' placin'
blame in every direction (what?)
but in the end it's your own infection, (di?)

There's no way to avoid listening
you'll always end up listening
here's hoping the voices aren't too unkind
here's hoping the voices are benign
it's easier when you hear it
there's no reason to fear it
it's you
it's you

You think they'll probably find you
well then you're probably right
cause they'll come back to remind you, for eternity
of when you gave up the fight, yeah
somehow they always will find you
the voices in the night, and every night
keep comin' back to remind you, for eternity
of when you gave up the fight

There's no way to avoid listening
you'll always end up listening
here's hoping the voices aren't too unkind
here's hoping the voices are benign
it's easier when you hear it
there's no reason to fear it
it's you
it's you