Sex and the City: Exactly What I Expected

I was lucky enough to see a sneak preview of Sex and the City last night. I was totally amused by it. It made me laugh, it made me cry (just for a second) and it made me really miss being in college. I spent hours upon hours watching that show with Stephanie while recovering from hangovers or drinking wine and feeling bad for our single selves. And for a minute, it was like no time had passed since then. The writing was excellent, the characters are all the same, and overall I give it an A. It was exactly what I expected. While I don't totally relate to everything they deal with, there are bits and pieces that seem oddly familiar to my life.

Here are my thoughts on the best and worst parts about the movie. Spoiler alert: if you haven't seen it yet, don't read this!

The Good

1. Big and Carrie get married. We all knew it was coming. We all wanted them to be together. Even though it turned out to be at the very end and took place in a courtroom, this leaves room for a sequel that could go in many different directions. The girl in me was happy that they finally tied the knot, and even though it was somewhat predictable, it gives me some closure on the series.

2. The fashion! I was drooling on myself the entire time. Just the Vogue wedding dress scene alone made me want to drop thousands of dollars on an expensive gown and get married ASAP. Patricia Fields did not disappoint.

3. I cried. Even though it was just for a second, I was so overcome with emotion during the scene where Carrie hits Big with her wedding bouquet and screams "I knew you were going to do this to me!" I still get chills thinking about that scene. You can truly feel her pain and heartache, and even more when Charlotte throws her arms around Carrie and protects her from Big in the middle of the street. I really hurt for her. Then I reminded myself it's all made up and Sarah Jessica Parker is happily married to Matthew Broderick.

4. Charlotte gets pregnant. I don't think they paid enough attention to this. She announces she's pregnant and then all of a sudden she's a whale and her water is breaking on the street while she's yelling at Big.

5. The writing. These writers are so clever. TV and screenplay writers these days come a dime a dozen, but there aren't very many good ones. This story was well written and predictable without being too annoying.

The Bad

1. Big and Carrie get married. So he jilts you at the alter in your Vivienne Westwood gown and you go back to him later? So much for female empowerment. Maybe it's just because I'm hard-nosed and stubborn, but I found it so lame that it took little to no cowering from Big to get Carrie back. Yeah, so he emailed you a bunch of famous love letters. Big deal, no pun intended. I secretly wanted her to walk away from him and still be single and fabulous. After all, isn't that was the show was all about?

2. Samantha is different. She's with Smith in LA, and she's somewhat annoying, clingy and complains about her relationship. This is a total 180 from the Samantha Jones I loved during the series. While she still has her moments, particularly with Dante, her naked next door neighbor, I hated to see her man-eating ways missing from the film. Her one-liners are still classic. "I feel the same way about marriage that you do about Botox: painful and unnecessary."

3. Steve cheats on Miranda. I found this storyline hard to believe. Even though Steve and Miranda hadn't had sex in 6 months, the Steve I remember would have never cheated on Miranda. Miranda felt a little cliche this time around, and she is my favorite character - working mother who is too busy to have sex with her husband. Yawn.

4. Jennifer Hudson/Louise from St. Louis. While she is cute and likable, her character felt forced. Why does Carrie need an assistant? How could she possibly pay anyone, considering her income? And of course Louise ends up moving back to St. Louis for her man, Will. WTF? Late 90's SATC would have never written that in.

5. Aidan was missing. I expected to see him at some point. He played such a huge role in the series, and I thought maybe at least Carrie would run into him along the lines. I did notice, however, that Aidan's chair is still in her apartment, even after she completely redecorates.

There is so much more I could say about this film. It may not be a classic to some, but it's forever a cult classic to the millions that watched the show. I will definitely see it again in the theater, and buy the DVD and watch it many times at home. But what I really want to know is: when is the sequel?

Facebook Torture

In the early years, aka high school, we had America Online, the most glorious invention to hit an adolescent's life. Not only were we able to chat with the boy we liked without having an awkward phone conversation, but we also could say what we wanted without our parents, um, hearing what we said.

Then in college came AOL Instant Messenger. The same pleasure of America Online, but much simpler and with no cost. Again, we could chat with whomever we wanted behind the safety of our computer.

(Side note: My screen name was first KarateSteph27, then morphed into Fee00 by the late 90's)

Today, there is MySpace and Facebook, the most supreme computer communicative / stalking tools to this date. It is the America Online, AOL IM of today. High school and college kids have it made.

But I am 27. Certainly not in high school or college (kinda wish I was sometimes, though). Just like I was addicted to AOL chat rooms and IM message boards back in high school and college, I am a junkie. I love looking at people, who lives where, does what, single, married, gay, kids, etc.

As entertaining as it is, it is starting to torture me. I am beginning to compare myself to everyone around me. I know too much about too many people, and it's stressing me out. During my walk home from work today, I began to wonder: would I be so hard on myself if I only worried about myself versus stressing over why... (okay, this is going to be mean)... why the fat, silent loser in high school is happily married and I am not? Or why so-and-so has that job and makes that kind of money? Plus MySpace and Facebook have successfully ruined the surprise of the 10 Year Reunion.

With this said, I have considered deleting all profiles and memberships that I have.

But then I do not because then what would I do when I needed to find out if my 2004 Crush is still engaged to that stupid girl, or if I needed to find out more on that guy I met at the bar?? :)

A House Divided

Go into any college bookstore and you'll likely find some representation of that school's rivalry in the form a "House Divided" license plate.

UNC. Duke. A house divided.

Indiana. Purdue. A house divided.

Michigan State. Auburn. A house divided. Wait, what?

I have always found the house divided license plates, rugs, and every other item you can buy incredibly cheesy. So what if your son goes to Ohio State and your daughter goes to Michigan. Pick a damn side and stop complaining about it!

However, when I saw the house divided license plate pitting Michigan State and Auburn against each other, I could not stop laughing. They aren't in the same conference or the same region of the country. Hell, I don't even know if they play each other in anything except the occasional bowl game or random match-up during the NCAA tourney. Clearly, these people took the house divided concept way too far.

Sometimes, I guess you just can't pick a side. Here are some other great house divided match-ups where it just might be too hard to decide.

Shampoo. Conditioner. A house divided.
Adam Sandler said it best in Billy Madison. "Shampoo is better! I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better! I make the hair silky and smooth!" Really, how can you decide?

Metallica. Megadeth. A house divided.
I could barely even talk, but for a short time these two bands divided the country's angry, white male rock fans when the guitar player for Metallica's first demo was kicked to the curb for, of all things, drugs and alcohol. Metallica later, without him, made three angry metal albums, and one so-called "sell-out" album. The booted guitar player, Dave Mustaine, basically copied Metallica and formed Megadeth, who was always the Robin to Metallica's Batman, despite staying truer to its metal roots. Mustaine also claims he wrote the riffs on several of Metallica's smash hits. It's so tragic when heavy metal bands just can't get along.

Tonya Harding. Nancy Kerrigan. A house divided.
Their rivalry was taken to another level when Harding's skeezebag ex-husband hired someone to hit Kerrigan in the knee before the 1994 US Figure Skating Championships. Harding, the rough-around-the-edges tomboy with an unstable childhood, and Kerrigan, the WASPy and beautiful miss perfect, created a media frenzy, and added some much-needed excitement to the boring sport of figure skating. They put some WWF into a sport known for snot-nosed brat competitors in tight, sparkling leotards.

Zack Morris. AC Slater. A house divided.
Unless you were living under a rock in the 80's, you watched Saved By the Bell. Are you a Zack girl, or a Slater girl? OMG, do I even have to pick? I for one was always a Slater girl. I still have a penchant for meat head jocks, but it was his jerry-curl like hair and white-washed jeans that really put me over the top. But, I did have some Zack moments too. This is just too hard of a choice.

Gene Keady's Hair. Donald Trump's Hair. A house divided.
Both men are known for having two of the worst (or best, depending on your taste) combovers in the history of bad hair. The combover is largely known as a way to hide baldness. Really, I don't know that Keady and Trump are actually hiding anything. Keady wears the greasy combover, while Trump prefers the cotton candy combover.

Coca-Cola. Pepsi. A house divided.
When it comes to soft drinks, I prefer regular Coke to regular Pepsi, but I'd much rather have a Diet Pepsi over a Diet Coke. I am a marketing person's nightmare.

So the next time you go to your college's bookstore, please resist the urge to promote your own internal turmoil. Really, no one gives a shit.

Brangelina Needs to Be Spayed (and Neutered)

In the latest celebrity news, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, also known as Brangelina, are having twins. They are already parents to four kids - Maddox, Zahara, Pax, and their only current biological spawn, Shiloh. After the twins are born, they'll have six children under the age of six years old. That's one child per year!

There is no way those kids will all be normal. Here's my prediction for the future of the Jolie-Pitt clan.

Maddox
Maddox, born in Cambodia, is the oldest of the group. He's ambitious, driven and destined to be a leader. His competitive drive appears at a young age on the soccer field, playing with Posh and Beck's middle child, Romeo. Maddox becomes a soccer phenom, and is known for his trademark mohawk. At 15, Maddox reconnects with the man who was supposed to be his father, Billy Bob Thornton (his original name was Maddox Thornton Jolie). During this time he also announces that he will be playing professionally for Cambodia, not the US. This causes a major rift with his parents, who divorce in 2011. Maddox plays soccer internationally for many years, and announces that he's gay in 2020. His partner is reported to be Romeo Beckham, also an international soccer star. The couple settle in Brazil and adopt two daughters.

Zahara , also known as Marley
Zahara, which is Hebrew for "shining" or "flowering", was born in Ethiopia. As the second child, she idolized her older brother, Maddox, but could never overcome an extreme jealousy for her younger sister, Shiloh. Zahara rebelled against her parents at a young age and started using drugs at the age of 13. Her affinity for marijuana and dreadlocks led her to legally change her name to Marley, her middle name, when she turned 18. Angelina made several attempts to get her into rehab, but she refused and fled to Cambodia, where she lived with her brother Maddox for several years. After that she returned to California to pursue a singing career. At 25, Zahara gave birth to a baby girl (the father is American Idol reject Jason Castro) named Mary Jane. She has not seen her family since she was 18.

Shiloh
Born in Namibia, Shiloh began her life in the limelight, and she never left. Her baby photo is still the most expensive celebrity image of all time. Shiloh, who followed in her parents footsteps, began her career as Samantha Jones' daughter in the series Sex and the City: Retirement Living. She played the role of Carrie Jones for six years before a brief marriage to rocker Kingston Rossdale and a short stint in rehab for alcohol sidetracked her. Eventually, she landed the coveted role of Hannah Montana in the remake of Best of Both Worlds. Shiloh has since given up on acting, but started her own Scientology charity with best friend Suri Cruise.

Pax
Pax, who was born in Vietnam, is known as "PaxJack" due to his talent in playing Blackjack. As a child, Pax was often shy and introverted. He spent hours on movie sets playing Blackjack with Pitt's pal George Clooney, who taught him the game. At 21, he played in the Celebrity Blackjack World Tournament in Las Vegas and lost to Kevin Federline, who was then later proved to be cheating. He joined the poker circuit after that and to date, has made over $3,000,000 in blackjack winnings. Pax lives in Las Vegas and is often spotted playing cards with dad Brad Pitt at the Bellagio. He married to a Vietnamese woman whom he met on a trip to Vietnam in 2025 and they have two children, Ace and Queen.

The twins are still cooking in the oven, but I'd like to offer some name suggestions to Brad and Angie.

Girl Names
1. Laura Croft, in honor of Jolie's film portrayal of the video-game vixen
2. Jennifer, because we all know that Angelina is secretly jealous of Jennifer Aniston
3. Orange, just to one-up Pitt's ex, Gwyneth, and her daughter Apple. "It's like comparing oranges and apples" would be the new US Weekly feature
4. Katrina, since they have spent a lot of their time in hurricane-ravaged New Orleans

Boy Names
1. William Bradley Pitt, Jr. Because the world needs more Brad Pitts
2. Obama, since I'm sure that's who they are going to vote for
3. Smith, because Pitt and Jolie originally hooked-up on the set of the movie, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
4. James, after Angelina's brother, whom she gave an oddly passionate kiss to on the red carpet

While I hope they choose one of these names, I'm sure they will pick something random that no one can pronounce that means something in another language. I can't predict the future of these two Brangelina love children, but 25 years from now, be sure to watch E!'s True Hollywood Story: The Pitt-Jolie Children. I've got the TiVo set already!

The First 48's Last Days in Memphis

I'm not a huge TV person. This could mean several things.
1. I don't like big TVs. This is false.
2. I'm not a huge TV-shaped person. Luckily, this is true, but not what I meant.
3. I don't like to watch a lot of TV. Bingo!

Most of the shows I watch are documentary, news, or reality-based shows. I love Intervention on A&E, and I watch Lock-Up on MSNBC almost daily. However, the one show that I really enjoy is The First 48, also on A&E. They film in a variety of cities - Dallas, Miami, Detroit - and every so often an episode is filmed right here in Memphis.

These episodes are my favorites to watch. They always show footage of 201 Poplar and of the downtown skyline, but the footage from the crime scene, almost always North or South Memphis, is barely recognizable. It's like they are in another city. I don't visit Orange Mound and Frayser for a reason. Sergeants Caroline Mason and Tony Mullins are stars of the show, and they are just two of the reasons I watch.

Mullins, a Memphis native who rocks out to heavy metal on the job, has been with the Memphis Police Department for 17 years. If I was a bad guy, I would be scared of him and his bald head. Even his wife is a former police officer.

Mason, on the other hand, gives these thugs a taste of their own medicine. She grew up in Orange Mound and is a nineteen-year veteran of the MPD. She always has her hair and nails done, but she's like a bulldog who makes criminals cry. One of the best episodes is when she told a suspect in the interrogation room to "take off your weave". She means business.

So needless to say, when it was announced this week that Memphis was no longer going to allow them to film in our fair city, I was crushed. Police Chief Larry Godwin blamed the City Council, who claimed that the show was making Memphis look like Murder Central.

Well, aren't we Murder Central? At least compared to other mid-market cities like ours? Moreover, City Council member Wanda Halbert commented that she heard out-of-towners say that "Memphis was out of control" and is blaming the show. She also said that "in terms of violence, Memphis isn't much different from other big cities." Is she right, or are we just trying to cover-up our now-exposed flaws?

Let's check out the stats and see where Memphis falls.

Violent Crime by Metro Area - We're # 1! After coming in second last year, we're up to the top spot. Not something we want to brag about. This ranking includes all violent crimes like homicide (what The First 48 follows), rape, aggravated assault and robbery.

Most Dangerous US Cities - Memphis comes in at #8, behind the other River City, St. Louis, and another Southern hot spot, Birmingham.

Counties With the Highest Jail Incarceration Rates - Shelby County ranks third, behind Philadelphia and Nashville (take that, Music City!). Evidently, our jail is so crowded because we're holding too many poor criminals on bails they can't pay, not to mention our arrest rate is increasingly high. Too much crime = too many people in jail.

Police Officer Ratio - The rest of the US averages 3 police officers per 1,000 residents. We're at 2.75 per 1,000. Overall, not bad, but when you start doing the math for a city with a population of 1,000,000, we have 250 less police officers than we should.

Registered Sex Offenders - This has nothing to do with The First 48, but there are 525 in Shelby County, none of which live on Mud Island. However, there is one currently living in Southwind. Ew!

So you get the point. The First 48 isn't exploiting anything, it's only documenting the crime that happens here, and the hard-working crime-fighters that are on the show. Memphis is the golden egg of crime for this series. They would be crazy to not want to film here. It would be like if Kelly Kapowski picked Screech instead of Zack Morris - it just doesn't make sense! Ms. Halbert's concerns about "out-of-towners" are something we battled before the show aired. People were already afraid of Memphis because of all the statistics stated above, not because of A&E.

There are still four episodes left, including one that documents the Lester Street Murders. I will be savoring every last minute of the Memphis episodes, but in the mean time, I've "signed" the petition to bring back The First 48 in Memphis. There are 723 people that have signed so far.

Here's a thought - maybe our City Council should focus on eliminating the reasons that we were on this show to begin with. I doubt that The First 48 in Thousand Oaks, California or Orem, Utah would be quite as exciting.

There will always be plenty of crime here in Memphis, and we can either accept it or try to cover it up like a prom night zit. Either way, I'm sad to see The First 48 leave our city. I guess I'll have to find another show to take its place.

How do you spell Cheater? K-e-l-v-i-n S-a-m-p-s-o-n

Today, Kelvin Sampson addressed the NCAA with a written response regarding the sanctions that were brought on Indiana University during his short-lived stay as head coach. Indiana's response suggested that it's "reasonable to conclude" that Sampson repeatedly misled NCAA investigators. In other words, you're a liar!

Click here to read Sampson's letter to the NCAA.

Here is the response I'd like to send to Mr. Sampson:

Dear Kelvin,

Are you f!#king kidding me? Your job was to make sure everyone, yourself included, was behaving by the rules. The compliance office is only there to say "gotcha" when you've screwed up. Way to throw everyone under the bus and take zero responsibility for what happened. Not to mention, you turned our team into a bunch of thugs who didn't go to class, meaning we are now 10th out of 11 in Big Ten men's basketball for conference academics.

You're making Coach Knight look like The Pope! I'll take physical harassment and throwing potted plants at secretaries all day long! Even Mike Davis looks like a candidate for Coach of the Year. It kind of makes me miss his over-arched eyebrows and his famous "who farted?" look.

What I don't miss, however, is you and your arrogance. I also don't miss your blue shirt with the red tie. I'm glad I didn't buy a "Sampsonite" t-shirt. I heard TIS won't even send the leftovers to third world countries.

Your big coup was Eric Gordon. So maybe he was extremely talented and if it wasn't for his wrist and your departure, could have been a big college star. Well, I'd like to get Bruce Weber on the phone and see what he thinks. I'm sure you cheated for Eric Gordon too.

Coach Sampson, can you hear me now? You're where you belong now - in the NBA. I love professional basketball, but it is what it is. Cheaters like you belong there, and I'm sure you'll be busted for another infraction at some point. Once at Oklahoma, once at Indiana ... you should probably have a cheating intervention. Hey Coach - Eric Gordon just called. He wants his college career back.

"My life since that day has been a nightmare." Cue Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River". Have you stopped to think about how this has impacted the young men that played for you? No? I'm sure you were too busy placing illegal phone calls and following around Greg Popovich. Have fun in Milwaukee! There are plenty of disgruntled Hoosier fans up there.

Oh, and I went to your website. It pointed me to Myles Brand's website? You may want to look into that, or consult with Pete Carroll on how to be a complete tool bag.

So yes, Indiana should share in the blame of this fiasco. But you should too. While I hate what you did to Hoosier basketball during your short time there, it has led us to Tom Crean, who is already better than you because he's not dirty. He didn't bring FedEx planes full of baggage to our program like you did. His wife is hotter than yours. Taking over after Mike Davis should have been too easy. Taking over after you is a piece of cake.

You represent everything that is wrong with college basketball, and while you aren't the only one, your legacy at Indiana will follow you everywhere you go, even in the NBA. You know basketball, but you have no morals, so the NBA is happy to have you. I'm looking forward to seeing you when the Bucks play at Memphis next season!

Sincerely,

Bridget

That's What She Said

Since the beginning of time, slang words and phrases have come and gone. Many have had serious staying power such as "cool" and "duh". Even though I know that I sound shockingly stupid when I say "duh", I still hear it leaving my mouth from time to time. And, it's usually accompanied by the word "like", which makes me sound extra special. An example follows: "So, I was trying to, like, explain why I'm, like, so pissed off but he still, like, doesn't get it. I mean, duh, how hard is it?"

Slang produces these problems of language, even for otherwise intelligent people. I think of myself as a pretty smart kid, but I will certainly walk into a party and utter "what up" like a Neanderthal. It seems that, at least for me, slang is inescapable. It burrows into my daily usage like a termite and frustrates any attempt on my part to use sophiscated vocabulary. No matter how many big words you use, you still sound stupid when you pepper your sentences with "like".

But, nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, sounds more stupid than "That's what she said". This is, by far, the stupidest slang phrase of all time. "That's what she said"? Really? What kind of a comeback is that? And, in general, the people who use this phrase are so addicted to it that they no longer use it correctly. It just pops out of their mouths as automatically as "like" or "duh" pops out of mine.

For example, while playing a drinking game one night, I asked a guy to pass the dice. He responded with, "That's what she said". That makes no sense! Clearly, if I had asked something like "Who's turn is it?, then a "That's what she said" would have been warranted. Still stupid, but at least bordering on funny. For the rest of the evening, no matter what anyone said, this moron responded with "That's what she said". And, to make matters worse, he thought he was hilarious. Now, this offender was particularly obnoxious but a lot of decent men use "That's what she said" on a frequent basis.

I almost feel sorry for these "That's what she said" addicts. This kind of thing can become very problematic. When I was in high school, the phrase "You're a __________" was very popular. I believe it derived from Tommy Boy when David Spade tells Chris Farley that his head has a thin candy shell, or something of the sort. Anyway, it became the "thing" to say. Anything that anyone said was immediately greeted with a "You're a ________" response. If you're confused, here's an example: "Ew, you have a booger!" could be responded to with "You're a booger". See, it works very well. Not only have you deflected attention away from your booger but you've also managed to escape the situation seemingly unruffled by your lack of hygiene when really, you're mortified. And, the best part of all is that the whole thing was probably automatic. "You're a __________" was such the cool thing to say that you didn't even have to think about it to do it. But, as I said, this can become problematic. I was skipping class once and I wandered into our school's foyer where there was an enormous Christmas tree. A very, very overweight girl was also meandering through the foyer. She commented, "That's a giant Christmas tree" to which I automatically replied, because it was the thing to do, "You're a giant Christmas tree!". Did it make sense? No, of course not. Only one in ten of these retorts actually do. But it sure did make us both hyper-aware of the fact that she was indeed shaped like a Christmas tree and that she was indeed a giant fat person.

These things seem to be very cultural. I just tried to explain "That's what she said" to my African-American co-worker. She is my age, but she has never been subjected to a "That's what she said". Although, I have experienced "That's what she said" in the Northeast and the South so it must be fairly widespread. Perhaps it's a white thing. If it is, it's one of our worst inventions. I myself had never heard of a different yet similar phrase that my friend who is currently living in D.C. told me about when he visited not too long ago. Among his group of D.C. friends, the thing is "Your face is _________". He eventually had to tell me about it because he was struggling so hard not to use it around people who wouldn't know what he was saying. You're getting the hang of how these things work now, but just in case, we'll use another example to illustrate the D.C. trend: "Wow! That shirt is really ugly" elicits the response of "Your face is really ugly". Useful, eh? Well, apparently, the best one this guy had ever heard came after a near miss. As I said, most of these don't make sense, but occasionally, you'll get a jewel. A female friend remarked, "Oh! I love that house! It has a driveway!" and my male friend replied, "Your face is a driveway". Hmmm...not so funny. But then he paused, and added, "for cock". Now that's funny. "Your face is a driveway for cock" is hilarious! So, in criticizing "That's what she said", I'm not trying to kill these funny habits that temporarily invade our speech patterns. I just haven't ever heard a "That's what she said " as funny as "You're a giant Christmas tree" or "Your face is a driveway for cock". "That's what she said" is also too cumbersome to be ignored the way we tend to ignore the preponderance of "duh" and "like" in every day speech. "That's what she said" is simply terrible. Hopefully, it won't have much staying power.